1 00:00:07,200 --> 00:00:08,510 Uh, is this important? 2 00:00:08,520 --> 00:00:09,880 It'll just take a second. 3 00:00:09,900 --> 00:00:15,190 Fine, but Mr. Donaghy is on another call right now and doesn't have time for a separate interaction with you. 4 00:00:15,210 --> 00:00:18,180 So everything he says will have to work for both conversations. 5 00:00:18,200 --> 00:00:19,460 - Really? - Lemon. 6 00:00:19,470 --> 00:00:21,580 Lemon works for your business call? 7 00:00:21,600 --> 00:00:25,650 Oh, right, well, I just wanted to let you know that I have to go to Chicago for jury duty 8 00:00:25,680 --> 00:00:28,010 because I never changed my residence to New York. 9 00:00:28,020 --> 00:00:28,720 Why not? 10 00:00:28,740 --> 00:00:32,060 Because I wanted to vote in a swing state, Jack. 11 00:00:32,090 --> 00:00:34,890 Also, I want to stay on the mailing list at Chicago Pizza Explosion. 12 00:00:34,920 --> 00:00:36,970 How fast can you turn it around? 13 00:00:36,990 --> 00:00:39,910 Who, me? Oh, right. I'll fly back in the morning. 14 00:00:39,920 --> 00:00:41,270 I never get put in a jury. 15 00:00:41,300 --> 00:00:43,930 I wear my Princess Leia costume, and they dismiss me immediately. 16 00:00:43,950 --> 00:00:47,070 Well, that sounds good for both of us. Thank you very much, sir. 17 00:00:47,490 --> 00:00:50,770 That last part didn't work both ways. You said sir. 18 00:00:50,780 --> 00:00:54,660 I think it worked fine. I'll have Jonathan call travel and upgrade your flight. 19 00:00:54,670 --> 00:00:55,430 Sweet. 20 00:00:55,440 --> 00:00:57,120 What do you take to fly? 21 00:00:57,140 --> 00:00:58,380 Candy and magazines. 22 00:00:58,390 --> 00:00:59,850 No, no, no. Pills. 23 00:00:59,860 --> 00:01:02,150 Nobody flies without medication anymore. 24 00:01:02,170 --> 00:01:05,520 Why shouldn't you enjoy the same luxuries as a dog? 25 00:01:05,530 --> 00:01:11,310 Comana it may cause dizziness, sexual nightmares, and sleep crime. 26 00:01:11,330 --> 00:01:13,370 It's... Very good. 27 00:01:13,380 --> 00:01:15,850 Tyler Brody on two, sir. 28 00:01:15,860 --> 00:01:17,880 Tyler Brody? The dude from the olympics? 29 00:01:17,890 --> 00:01:21,160 Yes, he was the silver medalist in tetherball. 30 00:01:21,170 --> 00:01:24,150 Speedman's caught an angle. Tyler Brody is flailing. 31 00:01:24,160 --> 00:01:25,240 And there's the coil. 32 00:01:25,260 --> 00:01:28,480 Lance Speedman is the olympic tetherball champion. 33 00:01:28,510 --> 00:01:30,900 And Tyler Brody can't believe it. 34 00:01:30,920 --> 00:01:34,660 Boy, there sure are a lot of weird olympic events these days. 35 00:01:34,960 --> 00:01:37,710 Not that weird, lemon. 36 00:01:37,720 --> 00:01:39,230 Tetherball we faked. 37 00:01:39,240 --> 00:01:41,300 What? Why would you fake an olympic event? 38 00:01:41,310 --> 00:01:42,420 For ratings. 39 00:01:42,430 --> 00:01:46,160 We staged several events so that americans could win more medals. 40 00:01:46,180 --> 00:01:47,420 That's despicable. 41 00:01:47,430 --> 00:01:52,570 It took years of planning, and now Tyler Brody is threatening to go public and ruin everything. 42 00:01:52,600 --> 00:01:55,970 So, obviously, I have a lot on my plate and no time to babysit the sixth flo, 43 00:01:55,980 --> 00:02:00,580 so before you go gallivanting off to Chicago, make sure you get your people under control. 44 00:02:02,700 --> 00:02:05,170 - Be a manager. - Yeah, yeah. 45 00:02:07,070 --> 00:02:09,230 Liz, Tracy is countersuing me. 46 00:02:09,250 --> 00:02:11,110 - Good morning. - For defamation of character. 47 00:02:11,120 --> 00:02:15,180 Who's been arrested in three different Chuck E. Cheese's? 48 00:02:15,190 --> 00:02:17,320 Do y'all know who I am? 49 00:02:17,330 --> 00:02:20,270 Seriously. Please, tell me who I am. 50 00:02:20,720 --> 00:02:23,190 Jenna, I'm not taking sides in this lawsuit thing. 51 00:02:23,210 --> 00:02:24,230 It's ridiculous. 52 00:02:24,240 --> 00:02:27,230 Tracy's video game never would have worked without my voice acting. 53 00:02:27,250 --> 00:02:28,670 I deserve to get paid. 54 00:02:28,680 --> 00:02:31,240 Liz Lemon! Nemesis. 55 00:02:31,250 --> 00:02:33,990 Liz, will you tell Tracy I don't even want to speak with him. 56 00:02:34,000 --> 00:02:36,140 Okay, two can play at that game. 57 00:02:36,170 --> 00:02:38,560 Liz, could you please tell Kenneth that Liz wants him? 58 00:02:38,590 --> 00:02:40,470 That's not even-- okay, that's it. 59 00:02:40,500 --> 00:02:43,720 I am calling human resources and setting up a mediation for you. 60 00:02:43,740 --> 00:02:45,820 I told you. I don't drink that much at work. 61 00:02:45,830 --> 00:02:50,220 Mediation is a binding form of non-judicial dispute resolution. 62 00:02:50,230 --> 00:02:54,770 I watched Boston Legal nine times before I realized it wasn't a new Star Trek. 63 00:02:55,810 --> 00:02:57,640 Liz, you have to admit this is unfair. 64 00:02:57,650 --> 00:02:58,620 I got nothing. 65 00:02:58,640 --> 00:03:01,060 Meanwhile, Grizz and Dotcom bought a boat. 66 00:03:01,090 --> 00:03:04,020 Cape Hatteras is lovely this time of year. 67 00:03:04,260 --> 00:03:07,400 Oh, well, of course, Tracy takes care of his boys and not you. 68 00:03:07,410 --> 00:03:10,260 He thinks he can take advantage of you because you're a woman. 69 00:03:10,270 --> 00:03:12,180 Men think they can get away with anything. 70 00:03:12,190 --> 00:03:15,040 It's like when Adrien Brody kissed Halle Berry at the Oscars. 71 00:03:15,050 --> 00:03:17,800 No one has it harder in this country today than women. 72 00:03:17,830 --> 00:03:23,850 It turns out we can't be president, we can't be network news anchors, Madonna's arms look crazy. 73 00:03:23,860 --> 00:03:27,900 Tyler, I know you're upset we didn't pick you for the gold, and I'm going to make it up to you. 74 00:03:27,930 --> 00:03:31,750 How would you like to host Deal or No Deal in the privacy of your own home? 75 00:03:31,770 --> 00:03:34,220 I think I'll hold a press conference instead, 76 00:03:34,240 --> 00:03:39,100 tell the world there's no such thing as olympic tetherball... 77 00:03:39,110 --> 00:03:41,560 or synchronized running... 78 00:03:41,570 --> 00:03:43,330 or octuples tennis. 79 00:03:43,350 --> 00:03:44,610 It's all a lie. 80 00:03:44,630 --> 00:03:47,710 A white lie that did a lot of good for this country's morale. 81 00:03:47,740 --> 00:03:52,730 Did you know that President Bush's approval rating was almost as high as 15% following the olympics? 82 00:03:53,400 --> 00:03:56,220 Gasp. Olympic hero Tyler Brody. 83 00:03:56,230 --> 00:03:57,690 Olympic fraud. 84 00:03:57,720 --> 00:04:00,680 There is no such thing as olympic tetherball. 85 00:04:00,690 --> 00:04:02,630 They made it all up for the ratings. 86 00:04:02,640 --> 00:04:04,740 What are you saying? 87 00:04:05,680 --> 00:04:07,580 Tyler... 88 00:04:07,590 --> 00:04:09,570 You can be the voice of Knight Rider. 89 00:04:09,580 --> 00:04:11,670 The film. 90 00:04:12,630 --> 00:04:13,820 I'm listening. 91 00:04:13,830 --> 00:04:20,770 www.SubsWiki.com 92 00:04:20,780 --> 00:04:28,520 www.SubsWiki.com 93 00:04:30,210 --> 00:04:33,850 30 Rock Season03 Episode02 94 00:04:37,730 --> 00:04:41,080 Okay, I'm Jeffrey. I am a mediator. 95 00:04:41,090 --> 00:04:44,030 And you two are having a dispute. 96 00:04:44,050 --> 00:04:45,040 Now why is that? 97 00:04:45,050 --> 00:04:47,950 Because Tracy thinks he can treat me unfairly because I'm a woman. 98 00:04:47,960 --> 00:04:48,650 What? Please. 99 00:04:48,660 --> 00:04:52,230 We are here because white folks think they can do whatever they want to do to black folks. 100 00:04:52,260 --> 00:04:55,380 It's like when Adrien Brody kissed Halle Berry at the oscars. 101 00:04:55,400 --> 00:05:00,480 White people stole jazz, rock and roll, Will Smith, and heart disease. 102 00:05:00,510 --> 00:05:02,680 Now they think they can take my hard-earned money. 103 00:05:02,700 --> 00:05:05,800 Ay, well, if we look at how voice actors are normally compensated-- 104 00:05:05,830 --> 00:05:08,940 Liz says in this day's America, it's harder to be a woman than a black man. 105 00:05:08,950 --> 00:05:10,550 Liz Lemon? That chick is dumb. 106 00:05:10,560 --> 00:05:11,290 Okay. 107 00:05:11,300 --> 00:05:14,560 Tracy, do you know women still get paid less than men for doing the same job? 108 00:05:14,580 --> 00:05:17,220 Do you know it's still illegal to be black in Arizona? 109 00:05:17,240 --> 00:05:21,920 Do you have any idea how hard it is to be an overweight, transgender in this country? 110 00:05:23,560 --> 00:05:27,210 In preparation for landing at Chicago's O'Hare airport... 111 00:05:28,570 --> 00:05:30,810 No, grandma, no. 112 00:05:36,770 --> 00:05:39,090 "Believe in the stars." 113 00:05:39,100 --> 00:05:41,560 It's like that doesn't even mean anything anymore. 114 00:05:41,570 --> 00:05:43,390 Kenneth. 115 00:05:43,930 --> 00:05:47,830 I'm sure I can trust your discretion about what happened in my office today. 116 00:05:47,850 --> 00:05:51,000 What you overheard was some rather grown-up talk. 117 00:05:51,030 --> 00:05:53,270 Was any of it real, Mr. Donaghy? 118 00:05:53,300 --> 00:05:56,740 Beer pong, jazzercise, women's soccer. 119 00:05:56,750 --> 00:05:59,060 You're not in stone mountain anymore, Kenneth. 120 00:05:59,080 --> 00:06:01,560 This is the real world, and not everything is in black and white. 121 00:06:01,570 --> 00:06:04,700 There's always a right thing to do, Mr. Donaghy. 122 00:06:04,730 --> 00:06:08,280 Just sometimes, it's not the easy thing to do. 123 00:06:08,990 --> 00:06:12,930 Tyler Brody was not the only hero I lost today, sir. 124 00:06:14,440 --> 00:06:16,190 The other hero was you, in case that-- 125 00:06:16,200 --> 00:06:17,920 I got it, Kenneth. 126 00:06:21,380 --> 00:06:23,850 If it weren't for you people, I'd still be in Africa. 127 00:06:23,870 --> 00:06:26,240 Gorgeous, politically stable Africa. 128 00:06:26,260 --> 00:06:27,280 My people? 129 00:06:27,300 --> 00:06:28,840 Women are the oppressed ones. 130 00:06:28,870 --> 00:06:30,940 And it's even harder being a beautiful woman. 131 00:06:30,950 --> 00:06:32,810 Everyone assumes I don't try in bed. 132 00:06:32,840 --> 00:06:34,210 - It's discrimination. - Whatever. 133 00:06:34,220 --> 00:06:37,590 You couldn't last one day in my shoes, maroney. Right, Toof? 134 00:06:37,600 --> 00:06:38,580 No, thank you. 135 00:06:38,600 --> 00:06:40,190 I could totally be black. 136 00:06:40,200 --> 00:06:41,650 You should try being a white woman. 137 00:06:41,660 --> 00:06:42,760 Okay, I will. 138 00:06:42,770 --> 00:06:43,740 No, no, no, no. 139 00:06:43,750 --> 00:06:44,900 I don't like where this is heading. 140 00:06:44,910 --> 00:06:46,880 Freaky friday social experiment. 141 00:06:46,890 --> 00:06:48,710 Oh, it's on. 142 00:06:49,270 --> 00:06:50,910 Where is Liz Lemon? 143 00:06:50,920 --> 00:06:54,990 I don't really think it's fair for me to be on a jury because I can read thoughts. 144 00:06:55,000 --> 00:06:56,370 Dismissed. 145 00:06:56,380 --> 00:06:59,980 Welcome aboard flight 1876 to New York. 146 00:07:04,930 --> 00:07:07,410 - Hello? - Lemon, as part of our deal to keep him quiet, 147 00:07:07,420 --> 00:07:09,560 Tyler Brody is going to be on your show this week. 148 00:07:09,570 --> 00:07:11,230 But he won't do any tetherball stuff. 149 00:07:11,250 --> 00:07:14,140 Boy, Jack, it must be nice to dump your problems on other people. 150 00:07:14,150 --> 00:07:17,210 It is. Lemo do you think Kenneth admires you? 151 00:07:17,220 --> 00:07:19,060 Sure, that kid looks up to everybody. 152 00:07:19,080 --> 00:07:20,680 He calls Tracy's lizards "sir." 153 00:07:20,690 --> 00:07:23,550 So someone would have to be a complete monster to lose his respect. 154 00:07:23,560 --> 00:07:24,380 Yeah. 155 00:07:24,390 --> 00:07:26,290 I don't know what we're talking about. 156 00:07:26,300 --> 00:07:27,380 We're talking about nobody. 157 00:07:27,390 --> 00:07:30,070 A hillbilly nobody that doesn't know anything. 158 00:07:35,780 --> 00:07:38,010 - Hello? - Tracy is a white woman, Liz. 159 00:07:38,020 --> 00:07:38,640 What? 160 00:07:38,650 --> 00:07:42,190 He's trying to prove that being a white woman is easier than being a black man. 161 00:07:42,200 --> 00:07:44,220 Wait, no, what about the mediation? 162 00:07:44,230 --> 00:07:45,650 We are way past that. 163 00:07:45,670 --> 00:07:48,670 This is gonna be bigger than when tyra banks put on that fat suit. 164 00:07:48,690 --> 00:07:52,670 And n't worry, when I prove Tracy wrong, you'll get all the credit. 165 00:07:52,680 --> 00:07:54,910 What are you gonna do? Jenna? 166 00:08:00,250 --> 00:08:00,900 Hello? 167 00:08:00,940 --> 00:08:04,160 Liz, it's Becky, your college roommate. 168 00:08:04,170 --> 00:08:05,000 I'm sorry. Who? 169 00:08:05,010 --> 00:08:07,540 Hey, Liz Lemon, you're already treating me with more respect. 170 00:08:07,560 --> 00:08:08,640 Oh, god, Tracy. 171 00:08:08,660 --> 00:08:11,380 You wait till I test this noise out on society. 172 00:08:11,400 --> 00:08:12,690 Minds will be blown. 173 00:08:12,700 --> 00:08:16,820 No. No society. Do not go outside. Do not let Jack Donaghy see you. 174 00:08:16,830 --> 00:08:19,590 Tracis, listen to me-- oh, boy. 175 00:08:19,600 --> 00:08:20,610 This pill's damn strong. 176 00:08:20,620 --> 00:08:22,500 You can't fix this, Liz Lemon. 177 00:08:22,540 --> 00:08:26,160 It's about race. It's about being a woman. It's about money. 178 00:08:26,170 --> 00:08:30,300 It's about being on TV. And no one understands all that. 179 00:08:30,720 --> 00:08:32,450 Hello. 180 00:08:34,130 --> 00:08:35,550 I'm gonna call you back. 181 00:08:35,580 --> 00:08:38,180 I snitting next to Borpo. 182 00:08:44,930 --> 00:08:47,780 Whoa, Portland's got a fun little waterfront. 183 00:08:51,130 --> 00:08:52,830 Do you mind if I close this window shade? 184 00:08:52,840 --> 00:08:55,930 I'm trying to adopt a baby, but my job is making it impossible 185 00:08:55,940 --> 00:08:59,150 because my work self is suffocating my life me. 186 00:08:59,160 --> 00:09:02,380 I'm Liz Lemon, and I lost my virginity at 25. 187 00:09:02,390 --> 00:09:06,110 I saw the show about following your fear, and it inspired me to wear shorts to work. 188 00:09:06,130 --> 00:09:07,820 It didn't go great. 189 00:09:07,840 --> 00:09:09,390 Do you know Tracy Jordan? 190 00:09:09,410 --> 00:09:14,540 I took a pill earlier, but I didn't get my september issue of O Magazine. 191 00:09:14,570 --> 00:09:16,560 Do you have the number for subscriptions? 192 00:09:16,590 --> 00:09:19,840 Why would you? Blagh! 193 00:09:20,370 --> 00:09:21,800 I eat emotionally. 194 00:09:21,810 --> 00:09:25,740 And one time at summer camp, I kissed a girl on a dare, but then she drowned. 195 00:09:25,770 --> 00:09:27,940 And here comes some more stuff. 196 00:09:27,950 --> 00:09:29,120 I hate my feet. 197 00:09:29,140 --> 00:09:33,450 And once, I had a sex dream about Nate Berkus, but halfway through, he turned into Dr. Oz. 198 00:09:33,490 --> 00:09:37,220 Has that ever happened to you? A hug. This is happening. 199 00:09:37,230 --> 00:09:38,840 It's all right, Liz. It's all right. 200 00:09:38,850 --> 00:09:40,900 Uh, I'm okay. Please stay close. 201 00:09:40,910 --> 00:09:43,050 Uh, can you keep your hands outside my clothes? 202 00:09:43,060 --> 00:09:45,340 - Okay. - Good. 203 00:09:47,130 --> 00:09:48,620 Kenneth, I'm a good person. 204 00:09:48,630 --> 00:09:51,120 If you say so, sir. 205 00:09:51,130 --> 00:09:53,390 But sometimes life is complicated. 206 00:09:53,400 --> 00:09:55,590 There isn't always a right answer. 207 00:09:55,600 --> 00:09:57,570 Say you're in a life boat. 208 00:09:57,600 --> 00:09:59,710 You're on a life boat. 209 00:10:00,030 --> 00:10:03,500 The boat holds eight people, but you have nine on board. 210 00:10:03,520 --> 00:10:09,060 Either you will capsize and everyone will drown, or one person can be sacrificed to save the othe. 211 00:10:09,080 --> 00:10:11,410 Now how do you decide who should die? 212 00:10:11,420 --> 00:10:14,790 Oh, I don't believe in hypothetical situations, Mr. Donaghy. 213 00:10:14,820 --> 00:10:16,380 That's like lying to your brain. 214 00:10:16,410 --> 00:10:18,360 Kenneth, you've lived a sheltered life. 215 00:10:18,390 --> 00:10:20,790 Virtue never tested is no virtue at all. 216 00:10:20,800 --> 00:10:23,300 Oh, I have been tested, sir. 217 00:10:23,330 --> 00:10:28,180 There are only two things I love in this world: everybody and television. 218 00:10:28,200 --> 00:10:31,300 But up in my neighborhood, we can't even afford cable. 219 00:10:31,400 --> 00:10:36,100 So my neighbor the colonel and I just watch whatever the old rabbit ears pick up. 220 00:10:36,510 --> 00:10:42,280 A lot of folks have chosen to go ahead and steal cable from the poor, defenseless cable company. 221 00:10:42,640 --> 00:10:44,450 But not me. 222 00:10:44,460 --> 00:10:48,990 As bad as I want all those channels, I don't do it because stealing is wrong. 223 00:10:49,010 --> 00:10:52,160 Kenneth, I'm familiar with the ten commandments. 224 00:10:52,480 --> 00:10:54,340 Ten? 225 00:10:57,050 --> 00:11:01,450 A lot of us women eat otionally, Liz, and while we're not always in control of our feelings, 226 00:11:01,460 --> 00:11:04,080 we do control the decisions we make. 227 00:11:04,090 --> 00:11:05,360 I know. Of course. 228 00:11:05,370 --> 00:11:08,490 Now you say that you want a child. 229 00:11:08,500 --> 00:11:13,290 And yet, you let Jenna and Tracy fill that role in your life. 230 00:11:13,300 --> 00:11:16,420 Maybe you're afraid of taking that next step. 231 00:11:16,430 --> 00:11:18,340 Oh, my god. That's it. 232 00:11:18,550 --> 00:11:21,260 Now that we've leveled off, I think they're gonna serve us a little snack. 233 00:11:21,270 --> 00:11:23,390 So true. So wise. 234 00:11:23,400 --> 00:11:27,160 You know, when you say that to everything, it makes me feel like you're not listening. 235 00:11:27,180 --> 00:11:28,790 Sorry. 236 00:11:28,800 --> 00:11:31,650 Here. Try this. It's wonderful. 237 00:11:31,660 --> 00:11:34,610 Salt water taffy from Rhode Island. 238 00:11:34,640 --> 00:11:36,320 Wow, is this one of your favorite things? 239 00:11:36,330 --> 00:11:39,780 Oh, yes, and I have so many wonderful favorite things this year-- 240 00:11:39,790 --> 00:11:46,350 Sweater capes, calypso music, paisley tops, chinese checkers, 241 00:11:46,360 --> 00:11:50,940 High-heeled flip-flo that lift up your butt and give you a workout, 242 00:11:50,950 --> 00:11:54,730 and you, Liz Lemon. 243 00:11:54,740 --> 00:11:57,730 Too many women are wearing themselves too thin these days. 244 00:11:57,740 --> 00:11:59,800 And what suffers because of that? 245 00:11:59,830 --> 00:12:01,570 - Your bowel movements. - Your personal life. 246 00:12:01,580 --> 00:12:02,940 Personal life, yes. 247 00:12:02,950 --> 00:12:05,640 I want to help you. What can I do? 248 00:12:05,650 --> 00:12:10,480 Oh, my god, would you say, "please welcome Liz Lemon"? 249 00:12:10,490 --> 00:12:12,580 No, but here is what I will do. 250 00:12:12,600 --> 00:12:18,630 While I'm in New York, if you want, I can stop by, and I can talk to Tracy and Jenna. 251 00:12:18,640 --> 00:12:20,800 Solve that little problem for ya. 252 00:12:20,810 --> 00:12:24,590 So you can concentrate on Liz for once. 253 00:12:24,620 --> 00:12:28,460 Oh, you are the best person in the whole world. 254 00:12:38,350 --> 00:12:39,740 Good grief. 255 00:12:39,760 --> 00:12:43,510 Hi, strangers. Do you think I'm sexy? 256 00:12:43,520 --> 00:12:44,730 Giggle, giggle, giggle. 257 00:12:44,740 --> 00:12:47,950 Tracy, I know it's you, and, yeah, I do. 258 00:12:47,980 --> 00:12:50,090 I'm meeting my girlfriends for brunch. 259 00:12:50,130 --> 00:12:52,480 I hope we can sit outside. 260 00:12:52,490 --> 00:12:54,550 Lipstick! 261 00:13:01,160 --> 00:13:02,780 Jack, what are you doing down here? 262 00:13:02,800 --> 00:13:04,400 It's been a real crazy day, lemon. 263 00:13:04,420 --> 00:13:06,240 We're bidding to build a wind farm in Turkey, 264 00:13:06,270 --> 00:13:08,790 I'm trying to convince the board to sell the locomotive division, 265 00:13:08,820 --> 00:13:11,820 And Kenneth is being a real stick-in-the-mud. 266 00:13:11,830 --> 00:13:13,730 Well, there's nothing to see down here. 267 00:13:13,760 --> 00:13:17,230 Everything is under control in studio 6-H. 268 00:13:17,590 --> 00:13:18,580 Good morning. 269 00:13:18,590 --> 00:13:22,970 No! No. No. No, no, no. No, no, no. 270 00:13:22,980 --> 00:13:26,040 No, no, no, no. Wait, stop. 271 00:13:26,050 --> 00:13:27,730 Why do you have a monster claw? 272 00:13:27,740 --> 00:13:31,640 They ran out of white makeup because I insisted they do my buttocks. 273 00:13:31,650 --> 00:13:33,150 Good morning. 274 00:13:33,170 --> 00:13:34,480 What is going on here? 275 00:13:34,500 --> 00:13:36,560 Jenna and I are doing a social experiment. 276 00:13:36,570 --> 00:13:39,200 No, you're not. Wait. What is Jenna doing? 277 00:13:39,210 --> 00:13:41,380 You gotta ease on down ease on down the road right this minute. 278 00:13:41,400 --> 00:13:44,700 Stop that right now. 279 00:13:44,710 --> 00:13:46,930 This is worse than when you wore your shorts to work. 280 00:13:46,950 --> 00:13:48,960 You realize this is incredibly offensive. 281 00:13:48,970 --> 00:13:49,530 Yes. 282 00:13:49,540 --> 00:13:53,310 And you realize blackface makeup reignites racial stereotypes African-Americans 283 00:13:53,340 --> 00:13:55,320 have worked for hundreds of years to overcome? 284 00:13:55,330 --> 00:13:56,160 Here we go. 285 00:13:56,170 --> 00:13:58,130 Yeah, it's bad. I get it. Go get some baby wipes. 286 00:13:58,140 --> 00:14:02,070 We're trying to prove who has it hardest in America, women or black men. 287 00:14:02,080 --> 00:14:04,310 I'll tell you who has it the hardest. White men. 288 00:14:04,320 --> 00:14:07,160 We make the unpopular, difficult decisions, the tough choices. 289 00:14:07,190 --> 00:14:09,720 We land on the moon and Normandy Beach, and yet they resent us. 290 00:14:09,750 --> 00:14:13,400 Well, sir, I'm sorry to disagree, but I am also a white man. 291 00:14:13,430 --> 00:14:14,710 Uh, no, you are not. 292 00:14:14,730 --> 00:14:17,400 Socioeconomically speaking you are more like an inner-city latina. 293 00:14:17,430 --> 00:14:20,810 The point is, men like me have to step in and clean up messes like this. 294 00:14:20,820 --> 00:14:22,270 No, you don't. 295 00:14:22,310 --> 00:14:23,570 I've got this under control. 296 00:14:23,600 --> 00:14:24,980 She's coming, Jack. 297 00:14:25,000 --> 00:14:26,410 Oprah is coming. 298 00:14:26,430 --> 00:14:28,300 And she's gonna fix everything. 299 00:14:28,310 --> 00:14:30,150 Oprah. 300 00:14:37,340 --> 00:14:39,330 Oh, my, what was that? 301 00:14:39,350 --> 00:14:41,550 We've tripped the emergency brake, Kenneth. 302 00:14:41,570 --> 00:14:42,640 Mr. Donaghy. 303 00:14:42,650 --> 00:14:45,010 And I've hermetically sealed this elevator car. 304 00:14:45,040 --> 00:14:47,280 No air can get in or out. 305 00:14:47,300 --> 00:14:49,850 Don't worry, folks. Help will be here soon. 306 00:14:49,860 --> 00:14:53,010 And we have enough oxygen for eight people. 307 00:14:53,030 --> 00:14:55,690 Unfortunately, there are nine of us in here now. 308 00:14:55,740 --> 00:14:57,850 One must die. 309 00:14:57,860 --> 00:14:58,930 Mr. Donaghy! 310 00:14:58,950 --> 00:15:03,900 In the panel where the elevator phone should be, I've placed a pistol loaded with one bullet. 311 00:15:11,820 --> 00:15:13,500 It's empty. 312 00:15:13,510 --> 00:15:16,000 Then you'll have to choke me with my belt. 313 00:15:16,030 --> 00:15:18,390 I will fight you. It's human nature. 314 00:15:21,290 --> 00:15:23,400 What's wrong with you? 315 00:15:24,990 --> 00:15:29,250 Oprah smells like rosewater and warm laundry. 316 00:15:29,570 --> 00:15:32,190 Did she tell you any of her new favorite things for this year? 317 00:15:32,200 --> 00:15:37,890 Calypso, paisley, Chinese checkers, and sweater capes. 318 00:15:38,460 --> 00:15:39,810 Let's go to the mall. 319 00:15:39,820 --> 00:15:42,350 Did she touch you? 320 00:15:50,450 --> 00:15:52,390 Well, Kenneth, I give up. 321 00:15:52,400 --> 00:15:55,990 I thought pure morality died with Chuck Heston, but you proved me wrong. 322 00:15:56,010 --> 00:15:57,950 You are better than all of us. 323 00:15:57,970 --> 00:16:01,630 You are one latina fantastica. 324 00:16:01,640 --> 00:16:02,780 Hola. 325 00:16:02,790 --> 00:16:06,100 Kenneth Ellen Parcell, you are my hero. 326 00:16:06,840 --> 00:16:08,940 You don't mean hero like sandwich, do you? 327 00:16:08,950 --> 00:16:12,420 No, Kenneth. Not like sandwich. 328 00:16:33,350 --> 00:16:35,700 You deserve this! 329 00:16:56,590 --> 00:16:59,180 Oh, no. 330 00:17:11,550 --> 00:17:12,740 Oprah's coming. 331 00:17:12,770 --> 00:17:17,390 I haven't seen Oprah since she did that episode about the worst celebrity dads. 332 00:17:17,410 --> 00:17:20,750 Um, Liz, your guest is here. 333 00:17:21,310 --> 00:17:23,440 Oprah! 334 00:17:23,450 --> 00:17:26,520 Hello, Liz Lemon! 335 00:17:31,350 --> 00:17:33,210 Uh, how you doing? 336 00:17:33,220 --> 00:17:35,460 What were you on? That's a kid. 337 00:17:35,470 --> 00:17:38,380 That does explain some of the stuff she said. 338 00:17:38,390 --> 00:17:41,320 I get to fly first class because my mom's a flight attendant. 339 00:17:41,340 --> 00:17:43,580 I lost my headgear at six flags. 340 00:17:43,590 --> 00:17:46,440 My boyfriend's in ninth grade. 341 00:17:46,450 --> 00:17:48,380 It's not Oprah. 342 00:17:48,400 --> 00:17:49,820 I thought it was Oprah. 343 00:17:49,830 --> 00:17:51,520 It's a spunky little tween. 344 00:17:51,530 --> 00:17:55,980 Now, as I'm sure Liz has told you, I am pam. 345 00:17:55,990 --> 00:17:56,730 Pam. 346 00:17:56,740 --> 00:18:01,220 I'm a middle school class vice president, a certified and trained baby sitter, 347 00:18:01,240 --> 00:18:04,220 And I recently got internet in my room. 348 00:18:04,240 --> 00:18:05,660 I think I gave her wine. 349 00:18:05,670 --> 00:18:07,280 I believe I can achieve anything. 350 00:18:07,290 --> 00:18:12,940 So let's get down to solving this problem: Which one of you is janna? 351 00:18:17,270 --> 00:18:18,850 Hello, Mr. Donaghy. 352 00:18:18,870 --> 00:18:20,210 Did you have a good night, Kenneth? 353 00:18:20,220 --> 00:18:21,550 Oh, yes, sir. 354 00:18:21,560 --> 00:18:24,360 Hardly any screaming from the colonel. 355 00:18:24,370 --> 00:18:29,070 Actually, I was thinking, we all try to be perfect, 356 00:18:29,080 --> 00:18:33,140 but the world maybe, well-- 357 00:18:33,150 --> 00:18:35,630 Uh, what I'm trying to say... 358 00:18:36,470 --> 00:18:40,270 There's a whole channel on the cable that just tells you what's on the other channels. 359 00:18:40,280 --> 00:18:42,370 I know, Kenneth. It's okay. 360 00:18:43,280 --> 00:18:46,670 I'm glad I'm not a white man, Mr. Donaghy. 361 00:18:48,920 --> 00:18:51,850 Is Spongebob Squarepants supposed to be terrifying? 362 00:18:51,860 --> 00:18:54,260 You're darn right he is, Kenneth. 363 00:18:54,270 --> 00:18:56,200 I knew it. 364 00:18:58,030 --> 00:19:03,820 Yesterday, Liz and I realized that she's probably wearing the wrong bra size. 365 00:19:07,250 --> 00:19:10,640 Yup. That one's definitely bigger. 366 00:19:10,650 --> 00:19:13,010 And that made me feel sad. 367 00:19:13,020 --> 00:19:16,250 Now show me your emotion drawings. 368 00:19:17,930 --> 00:19:20,320 Tracy, your emotion is upside-down. 369 00:19:20,330 --> 00:19:22,650 That's the way my world is right now. 370 00:19:22,670 --> 00:19:24,970 I guess I'm gonna have to clean up your mess after all. 371 00:19:25,000 --> 00:19:26,660 She's twelve. How did I-- 372 00:19:26,670 --> 00:19:28,690 It's okay. It happens to the best of us. 373 00:19:28,700 --> 00:19:32,960 In-flight medication is how I met M. Night Shyamalan, until it turned out to be-- 374 00:19:32,970 --> 00:19:34,730 That was the best day of my life. 375 00:19:34,740 --> 00:19:37,310 Liz, we worked it out. 376 00:19:37,320 --> 00:19:40,510 I've been hearing, but I haven't been listening. 377 00:19:40,540 --> 00:19:46,120 And I need to stop being a frenemy and be your real b.f.. 378 00:19:46,420 --> 00:19:49,860 Well, it looks like my work here is done. 379 00:19:49,870 --> 00:19:53,580 So I'll see you at my parents' house for dinner. 380 00:19:53,610 --> 00:19:56,920 My best friend Gail can't make it because she has some algebra test tomorrow. 381 00:19:56,940 --> 00:19:58,780 Oh, Gail. 382 00:19:59,970 --> 00:20:00,770 Good job, Lemon. 383 00:20:00,810 --> 00:20:02,270 Good job, Pam, really. 384 00:20:02,280 --> 00:20:04,760 Be a white man. Take credit. 385 00:20:06,060 --> 00:20:10,850 ♪ Lean on me when you're not strong... 386 00:20:10,860 --> 00:20:14,550 We're not doing that now. Stop that. Do you hear me? 387 00:20:16,230 --> 00:20:18,210 I don't think I should be drinking this. 388 00:20:18,220 --> 00:20:20,200 Oh, come on. Like you never have a drink? 389 00:20:20,210 --> 00:20:22,860 Well, I did have some champagne at my cousin's wedding once. 390 00:20:22,870 --> 00:20:25,090 Yeah, you did. To Oprah. 391 00:20:25,100 --> 00:20:27,770 My name is Pam. 392 00:20:28,280 --> 00:20:30,040 Oh, Oprah!